Written by Kent Pete
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Saturday, 5 April 2008

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John Harris : Not afraid to get his lad out.

When after almost 20 years, John Harris, 48, from Stratford, finally agreed to start trying for a family he could not have envisaged the events that would unfold.

"To be honest I had never really wanted children but I eventually agreed as it seemed to be so important to my wife. At first we just thought we were unlucky. However after 18 months we decided to go for some fertility tests. It turned out my wife was fine but that I had a very low sperm count indeed. The normal concentration of Spermatozoa is approximately 20 million per ml. I had fifteen and apparently five of those didn't look too interested. Two of them appeared to be playing cards for fuckssake. As you can imagine I was very distressed. After further investigations they found that I had what they call in the medical world, 'intorqueo testis', or what is more commonly called a 'twisted feller' ".

He continued,

"What I didn't realise is that the condition is common amongst young men. Moreover I was shocked to find that there was so little information about the condition. I knew that something had to be done."

It was then that John decided to embark on a campaign to improve public awareness.

"I knew that I didn't want information that just gave me the facts and figures . I needed to be able to talk to others who had it as well. Further, I didn't think health professionals were the right people to be 'spreading the word' . I thought it would be more constructive to take a 'laddish' approach to what was essentially a 'laddish' condition. As many men refuse to seek formal medical help I decided that we had to get the message across at places where young men gather."

Over the last six months the way in which medical information reaches it's target audience has been transformed. Through his website, Harris has managed to raise awareness of the condition by getting icons from the world of music and sport to force home the message at high profile public events. In recent weeks crowds have been stunned by footballers such as Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney who, whilst taking throw in's and corners, have stopped play to have informal chats with fans about the benefit of regular self examination. Evidence of just how effective this campaign has been came at Anfield last weekend when a chant of , "Check while we're pissing, we always check while we're pissing", was clearly heard on Match of the Day.

Similarly an audience at an Arctic Monkeys gig in Glasgow were amazed when half way through a rendition of, 'I bet you look good on the Dance floor', the band stopped playing and gave an impromptu 30 minute presentation on the prevalence of twisted testicles amongst men in their mid to late 20's. However this somewhat back fired when half of the 30,000 audience left early.

Sid Greenwood the bands spokesman said,

"We do not apologise to the fans for this. The Arctic Monkeys believe that with success comes certain responsibilities, though possibly the use of an over head projector was a bit over the top."

Despite the occasional blip, John Harris plans to continue with his awareness campaign. Talking to our Health Correspondent he said,

"Until I have persuaded every man in this country to check his Martin's on a daily basis I will not rest."

When asked about his own plans to have children he replied,

"I haven't got time for that kind of stuff now…in a few years perhaps."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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