Written by Kent Pete
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Saturday, 5 April 2008

image for Daniel Day Lewis plugs into a life in Bath
Dave Gillespie : He's raring for a Punch Up... The Bastard.

Now that Daniel Day Lewis has become a member of Britain's landed gentry, he seems to be determined to keep his privacy intact.

Last summer, the London born actor , reportedly forked out £5m for the keys to Sidford Castle, a gothic West Country hideaway near Bath that was built in 1765.

Since then, little has been seen of Lewis, although one local shopkeeper claims to have spotted him recently in Bath city centre disguised as a tramp.

Newsagent Barry Mills 48, from Perrymead Close, Widcombe, told our reporter,

"It is definitely Lewis. He has been coming into my shop regularly ever since I started this '2 for 1? offer on Carlsberg Special Brew. I have been a fan of his since he released that film about the life of Christy Brown, which to my mind is the greatest movie ever made. I would recognise him a mile off. Of course his disguise was good, he didn't want to be recognised and I respect that. However I must admit every time he comes in I tug at his fake beard and get him to say, ' Where's me Ma ' in an Irish accent like he does in 'My Left Foot'. He seems to see the funny side."

However it seems unlikely that it is Lewis who has been coming into Bath city centre. According to his agent, the star of, 'There will be blood' has not been to the West Country since his student days and 'has no plans to do so in the immediate future'. It is more likely that the 'tramp' to which Mr Mills' refers is actually well known street fighter and part time mudlark Dave Gillespie. Talking to our Arts correspondent, he said,

"I go in there every morning at 7:00 am. Having to act like an Irishman with cerebral palsy for a few minutes is a small price to pay for the special offers he has on. But you can tell him from me, if he pulls my beard again I'm gonna lamp the fat bastard ".

With newsagent Mills insistent that he is ,'getting to know his hero', and street fighter Dave raring for a punch up, Perrymead Close should be an interesting place to be over the next few weeks. We cannot guarantee the shopkeeper's safety or indeed Gillespie's continence, but we can promise you that one of our team will be on hand to report the action as it happens.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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