Written by Everyman
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Topics: God, Heaven

Saturday, 5 April 2008

image for Entry requirements for Heaven to be tightened following pressure on celestial public services
Heaven is going to be harder to enter

God has announced that Heaven is to become a lot harder to enter owing to the vast increase in the numbers entering paradise in recent years causing overcrowding a increased demand on celestial public services.

"It is all because of the breaking down of borders between religions and the general trend towards secularisation." The Almighty told this website. "Previously it was very easy to restrict who could and could not get in as the level of intolerance between belief systems was so powerful it kind of regulated itself."

The Lord sighed a wistful nostalgic sigh as he talked about crusades, religious genocide and old testament violence and retribution.

"I have spoken to our legal people up here and there are some things we can do immediately. I am re-introducing the camel and the eye of the needle test. Rich people have found that in the past notoriously difficult, and I think that's the way forward to bar the amoral merchant bankers and Manchester United players. I have also instructed some of the more fervent clerics from all faiths to start restricting trade up here by introducing some tougher policies down there. For example, we are beefing up the regulatory regime around the 10 commandments - 10 simply isn't enough and I know that Cardinal O'Brien from Scotland has been doing great work spreading that news.

I talked to my son about what he thought we should do - he having the unique position of having lived for 33 years amongst you. He is on holiday in Spain at the moment, but he told me that if we want to raise the bar for those hoping to join then we must hit them where it hurts - alcohol, sex and Eastenders were his suggestions. I think he may be right - although isn't Eastenders purgatory already?"

We asked God about what he thought about Tony Blair's recent comments on religion. He replied "I mean there we have it don't we. A chap who thinks he can invade a country illegally, seems to tell a fib or two about weapons of mass destruction but says it's all right because he believes he was doing my bidding. But then again, I did flood the earth to get rid of you all when you were naughty in Noah's time - so I can;t really bring myself to smite Mr Blair."

God sighed again and looked heaven wards - which is difficult when you are actually in heaven but he is omnipotent. "It's a difficult job this" He moaned. "Sometimes I just don;t know what to do - and then I remember I am omniscient."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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