Written by Pen & Ink
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Topics: Drugs, max mosley, F1

Saturday, 5 April 2008

image for Colombians Up In Arms Over Mosley "Cup of Tea" Scandal
TEA - BETTER THAN COCAINE?

Colombian drug lords have reacted with outrage to newspaper allegations that FIA boss Max Mosley rounded off a five hour "spankathon" with goose-stepping hookers by hoovering large quantities of English breakfast tea.

"What kind of warped mind thinks of tea in a situation like that?" said cartel spokesman Carlos Buttocks.

Mosley himself was unavailable for comment this afternoon. "Mr. Mosley will be tied up for the rest of the day" said a spokeswoman in a German accent.

The Colombians - who prefer to be referred to as 'pharmaceutical distribution specialists - are said to be deeply concerned about the media frenzy generated by Mosley's antics and the very real damage it could do to their reputation.

"Other minor celebrities - with or without right wing tendencies - seem quite happy to pose naked with our product in The News of The World" said Felipe Bondage, Global Head of Sponsorship and Media Placement. "Why should your Mr. Mosley be any different?"

The drug barons are understood to be particularly worried that this new 'habit' could catch on, especially amongst impressionable teenagers, all too easily seduced by the glamorous world of Formula One.

"They're just kids" said Manuel Puervert, Head of Worldwide Distribution, "but Mosley is clearly a role model for them and if this sparks a trend we're in deep shit. Next thing you know the Jamaicans will be pushing herbal teas and then it's all over for us - finito!"

But sociologist Dr Hector Tiemeupandwhipmetilibleed is not so sure. "I just can't see it" he remarked, before adding "then again I believe that's what Mr. Mosley said about the hidden cameras."

Meanwhile the Colombian government, rumoured to have been on the verge of signing a deal with Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone to stage a floodlit grand prix in Bogota, are now said to be considering their options.

At a hastily-convened live press conference this morning Jose Spankme, Minster for Motor Racing & Sexual Deviancy described Mosley's behavior as "A slap in the face for all Colombians," before adding "Or should that be a slap on the arse?"

Questioned as to what action his government might take in the event that Mosley were to go unpunished, he replied: "Unless the FIA publicly denounces Mosley and makes it clear that this kind of behavior has no place in motorsport we will simply take our ill-gotten gains and spend them elsewhere...like NASCAR for example."

Thinking the broadcast was over he then added: "You think the whole Montoya thing was just an accident? Wake up and smell the coca, amigos!"

In related news shares in Twinings rose sharply this week, fuelled by rumours of massive expansion plans for their import operation in Monaco.

Meanwhile, Tetley are said to have offered Mosley a six-figure sum to star in their next advertising campaign. "If a cup of our tea can keep a old pervert like him at it with the whips and the handcuffs for five hours, think what it could do for normal people" said Marketing Director Phil MacCavity.

Max Mosley is 67 (and frankly should know better)

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