London - (Ass Mess): The Duke of Edinburgh was rushed to hospital today after Buckingham Palace officials became worried he had 'caught something nasty' from Carla Bruni last week.
The two were reported as having experienced 'a classic period of missing time' at Windsor Castle during the State Banquet before being found in a dishevelled state inspecting the throne room.
Since then Philip has been a gibbering wreck, speaking in tongues, mooching around in royal residences sporting an array of designer toupees and singing 'I Love Paris In The Springtime'.
"Philip is suffering from boil on the bum syndrome," Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon said today, "as well as carpet burns to his kneecaps, elbows and chin.
"Unfortunately these have become inflamed with the Staphylococcus aureus bug.
"The Maudsley Hospital's men in white coats don't normally treat these minor bodily reactions.
"But they've made an exception for the wily old bugger."
Camilla is foaming at the mouth.