In a revealing interview today the manager of Heathrow Airports new Terminal Five building has revealed how he calmed down and sorted out this weekends chaos.
Mr "Smokin' Gun" Martin Pringle today stepped out into the disillusioned milling masses and apologised. As crowds of angry passengers, high on Fanta and other fizzy additives rounded on him, dragging screaming pee-soaked children sans luggage, he found himself in the unenviable position of having to taser 3,000 people.
"I had to call in security", he said, "I was apologising, but they just weren't listening." 40 guards rushed in, having been drilled to combat a terrorist threat like the one in Glasgow recently which was thwarted by a headbutt from a passing granny. Trained in advance terrorist techniques, the security guards tasered their way through the baying mob to release a bloodied and shocked Mr Pringle.
Speaking from the centre of a twitching mass of slumped track-suited bodies, Mr Pringle announced that he would be investigating how the mob had become so aggressive in the first place. He said, "They had waited 12 hours, surviving on crisps and pop, using toilet tissue to change their babies and sewing crisp wrappers together for clothes because all their luggage is missing and they were fine about it until I started apologising."