Written by Timber
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Topics: Tony Blair, Ireland

Sunday, 2 May 2004

image for Ireland split into united half and divided half: everyone happy
Stormont itself is to be divided in one and united as two. Or something like that.

The Northern Ireland peace process was finally solved today during a meeting between Bertie Ahearn and Tony Blair at Stormont.

The two leaders were, not for the first time, discussing the ongoing conflict between those who believe in a united Ireland and those who prefer that Ulster remain loyal to Britain. A small boy who happened to passing at the time, and overheard the conversation through an open window, politely interrupted to suggest that if half the people wanted Ireland to be united, and the other half divided, then the solution was simple - unite half the country and divide the other half.

Blair is reported to have exclaimed, "by Jove! Why didn't I think of that before?"

The idea was so eminently sensible that Ahearn went straight ahead with the plans without even holding a referendum. He announced at a news conference later in the day, "People of Ireland - your country has been split into one united half and two divided quarters. Just go and live in whichever bit you want, stop fighting, shut up, and get on with life. Thank you."

Cypriots will be watching developments very closely with a view to implementing the same strategy on their island. "We can have a united bit and a divided bit, a Greek bit and a Turkish bit, a bit that's in Europe and a bit that isn't", said Urban, a Turkish Cypriot with a talent for stating the obvious.

Political scientists have extrapolated the effects of this new policy and believe that within half a century it may be used to solve all national and international disputes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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