In an effort to combat smoking the government has proposed legislation to force shopkeepers to hide cigarettes around their shops and time all customers attempting to purchase them. In a statement Public Health Minister Dawn Primarolo explained the scheme was vital in the battle against smoking related diseases.
"Shopkeepers will be compelled by law to hide their fags in variety of locations around their shops, preferably behind healthy items such as mineral water or wild rocket pesto. Any oik demanding smokes will, after handing over their cash, be given one minute to locate their smoke of choice in the case of packets of ten or just 30 seconds for packs of twenty. If they fail then they will receive vegetables to the value of the desired death sticks, such as parsnips or celery."
Primarolo added that "with these measures stupid fat wheezy tab-addicts will easily have their intake cut in half, get vital exercise and actually get some vegetables in their dirty working class diets." Under the plans shopkeepers will also be forced to bathe infrequently and only hand over 'winning' packs after rubbing them all over their crotches while making derisory comments about their customers mothers.
The Association of Corner Shops said the move was unnecessary pointing out that most of it's members already hide most of their cigarettes under the counter other than a token few duty paid packs as they buy them from criminal gangs who smuggle them in from the continent.