Imams, rabbis and priests should be allowed to offer religious instruction to pupils in all state schools, teachers' leaders have said. Speaking on behalf of the union Ron Cake explained that the move would promote community cohesion in modern British schools.
He explained, "We feel that allowing a varied range of stern bearded men in a variety of different dresses and hats to explain to kids the myriad of conflicting ways they will be condemned to the firey depths of hell is just the thing to create a generation of well balanced children with a strong sense of identity."
"If the pilot with the main Abrahamic faiths works out then we could get in whatever those ones who have the elephant with two heads and eight arms have instead of priests to push their take on it all, that should really get the kids integrated!"
School dinners would be rotated to include at least one item forbidden by each faith in turn and the duty scholar could use amplifying equipment to bellow their God or Gods disapproval at the days blasphemous foodstuff and it's hellbound consumers. While not terrifying the children with a variety of lurid tales of eternal suffering the scholars would be free to follow biology and geology teachers round the school hurling abuse at their blasphemous science based heathen brainwashing. Cake added, "quite frankly if this doesn't make our schools happier and more productive places then I don't know what will!"
A Church of England spokesman responded angrily saying "Balls! The Archbishop has made it quite clear that it is the duty of the Church to promote a single faith and that's Islam."