Written by Trelloskilos
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Topics: Shopping, Yorkshire

Monday, 24 March 2008

image for Yorkshire town in Food, Fags & Booze Display Ban Trials

Following the government's latest measures to discourage smokers by preventing shops from displaying packets of cigarettes, proposals have today been introduced to make Britain healthy again by extending the same proposals to food and drink.

The idea which has been put forward by the Minister for health, Dawn Primarolo, proposes that "Alcoholic beverages, and unhealthy food will still be available to buy, but just not immediately visible upon entering a public establishment, fast food restaurant, or supermarket"

The minister further added that a study had been underway in the town of Brevin near Leeds. Her figures suggested that not only had the residents of the town shown a collective decrease in alcohol poisoning, but that the majority had improved their circulation, had become healthier, and had improved their finances, all as positive results.

But despite this apparent success, the residents of Brevin are not best pleased.

Laura Dinsdale, a mother of three, complained that the only reason why she has had so much weight loss over the 2 month trial was due to not being able to find food for herself and her children. "It's a disgrace! I spent most of the day on an empty stomach, running around every bloody supermarket in the area trying to find some Sunny D and a party bag of Monster Munch for my kids. Nobody told me I had to ask for them. I thought everyone had sold out!".

Meanwhile, Brian Happycamper, the landlord of "The Four Horsemen" public bar in the town centre was also critical of the scheme. "It's a disgrace!", he says. "All I have are seven kinds of fruit juice hanging from my optics. How am I supposed to make a living when all the underage binge drinkers in the area have decided to go to the city to have their Snakebite & black?"

Yet not all the residents of Brevin are of the same opinion. Rita Willis, owner of "The Enchanted Earth Mother" new age shop has welcomed the change. "It's marvellous! I just go into my local supermarket and everything I want is all on one shelf, with nothing else on display! In fact, that is the only shelf on display! Now I save valuable minutes in buying my lentils and organic vegan tofu bake, leaving me more time for my reiki and aromatherapy courses!"

A sentiment echoed by Doris Mulgrave, a 78 year old widow. "It's marvellous! It reminds me of rationing in the war! Seeing all those children on the streets fighting over a chocolate bar like it was the only thing left in the world...it brings back so many memories...!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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