An un-named man today went on an attempted killing spree in the Greater Manchester Omni centre.
The centre, which was opened in 1987 by the Queen of England, was closed today to allow the police and forensic detectives to search for clues.
A stunned local resident said to a reporter from the Spoof "you hear about these things happening in America but you never expect them to happen in your area."
The man, who was detained by police for questioning, is thought to have been a disgruntled former employee in the Omni centre.
A visibly shaken and slightly damp eyewitness who spoke to our reporter said "it was terrible. He kept going after people with a demonic look in his eyes. It was like he had no humanity left in him. When he looked at me I am ashamed to say I wet myself."
A spokesperson for the Greater Manchester Police force today stated in a press conference "A man has been arrested in connection with the attack at the Omni centre today."
The man was heavily armed with weapons that included a rolled up copy of the Manchester Daily News, a squeezable bottle of CIF cleaner and an assortment of sharpened carrots.
Local liberal MP Mr Len Lensworthy called for a clampdown on the selling of newspapers, chemical agents and vegetables to members of the public. "In the wrong hands these items can be very dangerous."
The list of injuries sustained includes a bloodied lip; a slightly irritating rash and a carrot induced cut. A security guard was hailed as a hero by onlookers also sustained a bruise on his inner thigh.