Armagh - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Veteran RUC officers are in a sweat as the Puppet Monarch prepares to commemorate the Spring solstice on Maundy Thursday with a traditional washing of Provos' feet at St Patrick's Church of Ireland Cathedral in Armagh.
"She will then kiss their asses and hand over the dosh - the Maundy Purses as they are known," Tory turncoat and now Labour's Northern Ireland Secretary Shaun Woodward said today.
The ceremony is symbolic of Old Fatty Mountbatten's ritual washing of hands during negotiations of the spineless 1998 Good Friday Agreement with the IRA.
A source close to ex-RUC chief constable Sir Ronnie O'Faeceflannel said today:
"Somebody told me in the pub last night that former Real IRA Paisleyite factions are plotting to put arsenic in her cuppa after the service.
"Some think it would be pretty ironic if she then croaked it on Good Friday after drinking from the IRA's very own poisoned chalice!"
Gorgon Brown has developed a hernia.