Written by Piers C Structures
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Wednesday, 19 March 2008

image for Queen Squeaks to Diffuse Pastor Controversy
Er Maj

The Queen today tried to distance herself from comments made in a speech by her Archbishop, Rowan Williams.

Mr Williams' comments that Sharia Law should be written into the UK constitution and that the British had this coming, were seized on by republican opponents of the Queen and are thought to be severely irrelevant to her chances of not being democratically elected in no election ever.

In a wide ranging speech some have described as "the best queens speech ever ZZzzz".

Her Maj, or as she is knows to those closest to her "Maaam", described Mr Williams comments as "jolly bad form".

"When I was woken up in the church from my snooze by one of the corgi's nibbling my big toe through a pair of Jesus sandals graciously gifted to me by ... ooh, bless me I can't remember ... anyway, where was I, oh yes, I woke up and was quite shocked to hear Mr Rowan say something I profoundly disagreed with.

"My ancestors, many years ago met up to set this country on a path of inequality and monarchical dictatorship written into some document over a few weekends of rape and pillaging in the blood of our enemies;

"'It's all mine" they did writ. We need to remember those words and work toward an eventual solution to our problems, not by embracing some scribblings from johnny foreigner, but by fighting for our right to rule over you puny serf scum don't-cha-know."

Mrs Queen did not, as many expected, throw Mr Williams into the tower, "I could no more do that, than eat one of my corgis. Besides, we've tried it before with she-who's-name-we-cannot-say, you know the one, 'so thick but so thin', and it didn't work then and won't work now. And unlike her, Mr Williams plays a good hand of bridge and always brings a bottle of Gin which never fails to bring back nice memories of our dear departed Queen Mummy. However, I will be warning him to keep his beardy gob shut in future."

Analysts scrambled to gauge the effect of the speech on popular opinion.

Mr Ted Prejudice, a black cab driver from Slough said "Cor blimey my mucker, don't you just lurve her. And that Phillip chap, he always hit's the nail on the head with his remarks don't he just. I had that Prince Edward in the back of the cab once - bit of a poofter than one, you need to bring back hanging for those lot, it's the only language they understand innit."

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