Written by Tragic Rabbit
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 14 March 2008

image for 'Cat confession' man not guilty; cats Twinkie and Pudsey charged with perjury, conspiracy
Pudsey, a black tom with two previous convictions for cat-burglary now held on charges of perjury and conspiracy to murder.

A 92-year-old man who confessed to his cats has been cleared of murder.

David Owl, longtime seaside resident of the Land-Where-the-Bong-Tree-Grows, denied the murder and the manslaughter of Joyce Pussycat, 85, who was found scratched to death in 2006.

Secret police recordings showed him conspiring with his cats, Twinkie, an elderly calico with no prior police record and Pudsey, a middle-aged black tom with two previous convictions for cat-burglary, to scratch and brutally murder his longtime companion Miss Pussycat, a Crown Court jury was told.

But his defence said the tapes could be interpreted differently, he may have been offering to serve her 'mince and slices of quince', the defence maintained. The prosecution insisted he was urging Twinkie and Pudsey not to 'leave prints' with their paws.

The prosecution maintained that the motive for murder was monetary, citing documented evidence of 'plenty of money wrapped in a five-pound note' in the possession of Miss Pussycat, as well as the deed to a beautiful 'pea-green boat'.

Two additional items have been missing since her death: a valuable antique runcible spoon and her wedding ring, bought from a Mr. Piggy-wig by the couple for one shilling.

There were gasps from the public gallery as the forewoman of the jury declared that Mr. Owl was not guilty of murder and the alternative charge of manslaughter. Turkey, an elderly friend of the couple who had testified for the prosecution, fainted and had to be taken away by medics.

Before Mr. Owl left the court building he was embraced by members of the jury, who had taken nearly 12 hours to read transcripts of The Owl and the Pussycat before reaching their verdicts.

Mr. Owl declined to comment before he was driven away, and as he was led from court by his solicitors, various feline bystanders hurled abuse and dead mice at him.

Police have reopened the inquiry into the death, and continue to hold cats Twinkie and Pudsey on suspicion of perjury and conspiracy to murder, based on preliminary forensic reports.

Several calico hairs and one long black whisker were found at the murder scene.

The police spokesman said: "We acknowledge the not guilty verdict at Crown Court earlier today.

"Our thoughts are with the family, felines and friends of Miss Pussycat. They can be assured that we will continue to support them where we can."


Tragic Rabbit, Voice of London, Land-Where-the-Bong-Tree-Grows

Make Tragic Rabbit's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.



Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.




Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 5?

1 9 11 5
86 readers are online right now!

Go to top