London - (Ass Mess): A Colombian-registered nuclear powered crack cocaine-smuggling submarine The Kursk III is drifting dangerously in the Thames estuary.
Royal Navy frigates are standing by waiting to board the 22,000 tonne floater following a tense stand-off between the sub's Captain Marko Ramius and British River Police.
Earlier today bounty hunters near the river mouth in Gravesend were caught looting over 100 twenty-kilo cocaine packages washed ashore from the stricken vessel.
The drama follows a night of torrential rain and 20mph gales that turned much of the River Thames into a cesspit as 10,000 tons of raw sewage ended up dumped just near Windsor Castle.
"Actually that's not so unusual round these parts," local Slough resident Mrs Doris Boris said today, "we often get all kinds of Castle crap floating in the water.
"Maybe that Russian sub was heading upstream to the Castle here in time for the usual Easter binge-out."
Prince Charles is white as a ghost.