Written by Ross Douglas
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Topics: Iraq, Army

Wednesday, 28 April 2004

image for Giant crustaceans terrorize Dover seaport.
The giant lobster just before it ate the local vicar.

The British army has been recalled from Iraq today as an emergency situation has arisen in a seaside town in Kent.
A giant lobster has been tearing through the town knocking down houses and eating locals.
The mayor of the town said today during a press conference "This is a grave emergency and I call upon the Prime Minister to take affirmative action to stop this beast from taking over the country..."
The mayor tried to continue his speech but was brought to a halt when a 50 foot claw smashed through the local community centre where the press conference took place.
As journalists scattered and newsmen fled the scene a photographer managed to get a shot of the raging beast just before it picked up the local vicar and ate him.
The vicar was heard screaming "Behold the black lord Satan's first warning of Armageddon!" as the giant crustacean sliced him in its eviscerating claw.
A local woman, Mrs Sandra Inbred (148), said to reporters on the scene "This reminds me of during the war when that nasty Mr Hitler sent 10 foot high crayfish to eat our submarines"
Tornado fighter jets were scrambled from a local Air force base but their tomahawk missiles failed to pierce the hard outer shell of the leviathan.
A man claiming to be the local MP for the area said that he "tried to get in touch with UNIT to see if Doctor Who could come up with an ingenious plan to stop the relentless march of the beast" but shortly afterwards it was discovered that the man was actually one of the many thousands released into society on the care in the community scheme.
A local fisherman speaking at the dockside said to an AP reporter that he could solve the problem in ten minutes if he could be supplied with a 300 foot cooking pot, some garlic butter and a circular saw to open the shell.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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