Written by Erik Ryman
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Thursday, 6 March 2008

image for ID Cards - Free Gifts For Terrorists
Every immigrant helps

Home Secretary Jacqueline Bouvier Smith is today unveiling new plans for identity cards that will provide fantastic new opportunities for identity fraudsters and free gifts for terrorists.

By the end of 2008, all Non-EU migrants will be required to register for a biometrically enhanced identity card, with students and airport workers being invited to take part by 2010, and being offered bonus points that could lead them to a free iPod or XBOX.

In launching the revised plans, Smith stressed that it won't just be potential terrorists that will be eligible for the bumper harvest of good stuff.

'Look, we are very conscious that the uptake of the cards will need to be carefully managed. Given past supply issues with desirable consumer goods such as the new XBOX, Wii and iPod nano - which I quite simply couldn't get hold of a couple of Christmas's ago for love nor money, and believe me it caused a hell of a stink on Christmas morning in my house - we felt that we would manage the roll out of the cards with our usual levels of professionalism and skill by involving a third party expert.'

She angrily took the opportunity to deny opposition taunts that the government is pandering to undesirables.

'Look, I don't accept that at all. In incentivising potential terrorists to be among the early adopters, we feel that it will give the security services a head start in finding who was responsible next time we have a terrorist atrocity. All of these details will be held on the National Identity Database, it'll save weeks of work interviewing people and putting bugs in prisons and mosques and generally following people around and then shooting them. Instead, all we will need to do is send them a letter asking them to fill in a questionnaire about their whereabouts. We'll piggie-back these on the service partner's mailings and it will save a hell of a lot of money.'

Opposition leaders were quick to denounce the revised plans as unworkable. Conservative Shadow Home Secretary, David Davis said 'Look, would you trust this government with the home addresses of terrorists? Given their past record on data security, I'd feel quite sorry for them. Before they know it, their valuable personal information and shopping habits will be all over the interweb and they will find themselves having mortgages raised in their names from Beirut to Derby. It's a disgrace.'

Lib Dem Shadow Home Secretary, Chris Huhne, said 'Look, I know nobody cares what I think, but this was our policy ages ago, and first the Tories, and now New Labour have stolen it. Admittedly, it was VIC20s and Acorn Electrons when we first proposed it, but it is very much the same policy. I'm not entirely happy that Tesco's will be holding all the information either.'

Smith was incensed by the criticism of Tesco's involvement. 'Look, Tesco's have already got 97.8% of the populations details on their Clubcard system so it makes perfect sense to rename it in the interests of national security, and this will save a hell of a lot of typing for someone. By merging the ID Cards with the Clubcard, it will save a hell of a lot of money and with their buying power mean that all the good stuff we will be giving away will be sourced at the best possible, low low prices.'

The National ID Cards will become available from Tesco Superstores across the country within the next few weeks.

Rumours relating to the future payment of Social Security Benefits in the form of Clubcard points via the new card system are so far unconfirmed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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