Written by Bob Muppet
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Topics: Death, Monster

Tuesday, 27 April 2004

image for Monster G.M. Flies Flatten Old Gits
Elephant Fly Lands on Old Lady

Shock waves rippled across the sun-drenched Spanish Costas as the latest death toll figures from Genetically Modified Flies were released, today.

Over 500 elderly Britons have perished so far this year at the hands of the so-called 'elephant fly', which can weigh up to 2,000 kg.

Their favourite tactic is to wait until their elderly victims are dozing on their sun loungers and then swoop down to land on the end of their sun beds, thus catapulting the senile old gits into the swimming pool.

Mavis Winters, an old lady, reported seeing her lifelong friend Mabel perish at the hands of the cruel predator.

‘We was both lying by the pool when this bloody big fly came from out of nowhere,' Mavis sobbed.

‘It was an awful thing with big floppy ears and the biggest tentacles that I'd ever seen.'

‘My pal Mabel was rabbiting on about how many American airmen she had sex with during the war when she was cut off in mid sentence as this monster fly landed on the edge of her sun bed and shot her 300 feet into the air.'

‘She didn't stand no bleeding chance at all, and I'm going to complain to them Saga holiday people for ruining my bloody holiday,' Mavis asserted.

Professor John Hargreaves, of the world renowned London School of Insects, explained how the Elephant Fly had come into being.

The Elephant Fly can weigh up to 2,000 kg and is believed to be due to a cross mutation when ordinary house flies fed on G.M. crops.

Of the two known types, the African Elephant Fly,(easily identified by its smaller ears), is the most deadly.

Professor Hargreaves stated that work was underway to develop a chemical to kill the deadly flies; but that it was difficult to get an aerosol can big enough to hold the quantity of fly spray necessary to do the job.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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