Pigeon hating Ken Livingstone, the once-troubled mayor of London, shocked animal rights groups when he issued a death warrant for all of the ‘flying rats' in his fair city.
This drastic measure follows allegations that drug barons are kidnapping London's pigeons and taking them to remote areas in the Columbian jungle where they are force fed a diet of corn and cocaine.
The ‘sky-high birds' are then released and make their way back to Trafalgar Square, where they relieve themselves on the pavement.
Unscrupulous gangs of fake street cleaners then scoop up the cocaine-rich pigeon poo and sell it to unsuspecting drug addicts.
Red Ken believes that about 500 tonnes of cocaine is illegally brought into Great Britain using the ‘pigeon droppings' route.
Alan Barton, the Chief Commissioner of London's prestigious Metropolitan Police Force was delighted that the streets were going to be cleared of drugs.
‘My dedicated team of police officers spend endless hours on the pavements of London trying to sniff out the drugs.'
‘Now they can get back to basic police work like window shopping', attending gay rights courses, and catching speeding middle-class motorists,' he mused.