Her Majesty the Queen has reacted angrily to a TV report about the deployment of her grandson Harry in Afghanistan, in which the lad can be heard using foul and abusive gutter English. She has called on Prince Charles to put his son in a children's home.
Harry, as everyone knows, has been in Helmand province for ten weeks playing rugby and football 'keepy-uppies', as well as posing at the trigger of a machine gun for the purposes of television news reports. It was during one such report that the Royal 'turned the air blue' with a volley of expletives that left the Queen reeling.
The Prince told BBC Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell:
"Oh shit!", which, in Royal circles, means: "Deary me!"
He also made reference to being "slagged off", which, at the Palace, can be translated as "procuring a loose woman at a function".
Many critics have said that Prince Harry should never have been deployed in action because he could be a danger to the other soldiers. Some say that, although he swears like a trooper, he bears no other resemblance to his fighting colleagues.
The Queen was said to be furious, and, according to bigmouths in the Royal scullery, told Prince Charles to immediately remove Harry to an institution, where his mouth should be washed out with soap and water.
Last night, Her Majesty had acted independently by securing the services of ex-Vietnam veteran John Rambo to extract her grandson from the dusty grave he would no doubt have ended up in.
According to Witchell:
"She was not amused."