The earthquake tremors felt by many insomniacs across the UK on Tuesday, may actually have been the result of the early accidental demise at a Terror Training Camp, of a wannabe al-Qaeda terrorist, say police.
Osama bin Lincoln was a recruiter of Islamic extremists in the UK, and organised training camps in the countryside so that these idiots could go along and fire live bullets at trees, and scare birds and other wildlife out of their wits, whilst planning an Almighty Islamic Jihad against the residents of Lincolnshire and Norfolk.
Lincoln, real name Ali Akhbar Sili Kunt, advertised on the internet and in newsagent's windows for 'those interested in Extremist Holidays', and then took his responders to local places of idyllic beauty such as Crowland Abbey, Natureland Seal Sanctuary and Lincoln Cathedral, of which they made detailed plans.
The recruits once camped at Skegness, where they stayed in chalets at Butlins, and visited The Wash to do some birdwatching. Evenings were usually spent trying to make bombs.
On Tuesday, police say, an explosion was known to have occurred at Mr bin Lincoln's flat in Market Rasen, just as the rest of the UK felt gigantic 'shudders' like an earthquake.
Terror police, looking for Mr bin Lincoln said he could not be located, although much mince-like matter was found all through his tiny accommodation.
One-time friend, Atilla Ahmet, who practices 'beheadings' with watermelons, said:
"He was always tinkering with wires, and that flat, it stunk of almonds."