Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 27 February 2008

image for Earthquake Rips Through UK As People Sleep On
Televisual apparatus malfunctioned temporarily

A relatively massive earthquake measuring an enormous 5.3 on the Richter Scale has 'rippled' through the UK causing widespread joviality among residents the length and breadth of the country who had got out of their beds to go for a piss.

The quake, which had its epicentre in Market Rasen in Lincolnshire, was the worst in living memory, and was strong enough to cause "tea to shake in the cup", and to "make dogs bark" according to those who witnessed its force.

Some petrified clods reported hearing a 'terrifying grinding sound' which was a bit like "the next door neighbours car".

For may people though, snoring carried on unabated.

Earthquakes are thought to be caused by 'underground movemental activity within the Earth's core' whatever that means. The last reported quake of a similar magnitude in the UK was in Dudley in 2002 when a telephone box fell over.

One of the terrified witnesses was Tanya Smith of Lincoln who was visibly shaken.

"It sounded like a train was coming through my living room",

she told reporters from her home which is situated next to the East Coast Main Line.

Another, Mick Wapp, from Salford, said:

"It wer scary. All the dogs sta-id barkin, the winders rat-led, me stomach rumbled and the friggin telly wen' on the blink. Proppa scar-er. Ar nearly shit me sen."

Structural damage was not as extensive as in recent quakes in other parts of the world, although supermarkets have this morning reported increased 'panic buying', and essentials such as bread, milk, cigarettes and beer are currently in short supply.

The International Community has been quick to rush to Britain's aid, and has pledged its support for the UK, with promises of an international relief package. A statement from Downing Street in the last few minutes says that

"Donations of food and clothing are thought to be 'in the pipeline' There might be a problem with fags though."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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