Central Government announced new plans to ease the shortage of public loos in Britain.
Across the UK people will be encouraged to open their lavatories in exchange for a cash incentive, or bung.
Local councils will be asked to facilitate the scheme in order to address a very real shortage.
"The quest to find a public convenience has been getting harder and harder over the last few decades. It simply can't be tolerated any longer." said Jon Buttock-Krapper, spokesperson of The Department for Communities and Local Government.
Buttock-Krapper was squirming as he was interviewed by a phalanx of journalists at the opening of London's latest Super Loo in Fleet Street.
Super Loos, which HRH Prince Charles has already vilified as "Barnacles on the face of an already suffering, pox ridden city," cost the taxpayer in excess of £30,000 pounds per bottom. Super Loos are vandal friendly and statistically inoperable for 70% of the time.
"We care, a bit." said manufacturer, Loos 'R' Us. "But not a lot. After all, what do the public expect for £30,000?"
Simon Chisnob of the British Toilet Association commented: "Super Loos are only scratching the surface of the problem. We demand access for all, to all public conveniences in pubs, restaurants, and shops. There is a desperate need, and the British Toilet Association will aid government in finding the solution."
A BTA trial in Camden, North London, found that out of a hundred people desperate to urinate: 20% found the conveniences convenient: 10% found them more than convenient, and the remainder wanted to know what the surveillance cameras were pointing at.
At a further BTA trial In Twickenham, Middlesex, 66 businesses offered up their toilets to non-customers in return for a whip round of £600 a year. WPC Marjorie Blenkinsop, who was caught short outside the Knitwear Emporium, said she was grateful, but found it easier and considerably cheaper to pee behind the recycling bins on the High Street. The police federation have refused to comment.
Simon Chisnob said "Though it is a good beginning. We continue with a round table debate at which all interested parties are welcome to pull up a stool and muck in." He added: "The reputation of the country is at stake, what with the 2012 Olympics just around the corner. After all, public toilets are of vital importance to all."
The white paper 'Public Toilets: where are they?' is due for release shortly. It is sponsored by the Incontinence Society and the British Toilet Association.