Clarence House - (Proctologists' Nightmare Mess): Former royal bum-bandit and official toothpaste squeezer in waiting to the Pretender to the Throne Michael Fawcett is the eminence grise behind Charles and Camilla's forthcoming planned crack-dealing Caribbean cruise in March.
Fawcett has been elevated to Charles' £250,000 per annum business consultant (sic) and is paid for services rendered via offshore bank accounts set up by the Pretender's patrons in the Non-Aligned Crack Barons Movement.
"It's a far cry from wiping the faux-royal whinger's arse, procuring backstairs footmen for a spot of rumpy-pumpy, ensuring the coke stash is topped up and bribing the royal protection cops when things go belly-up," a Clarence House security source said today.
High on the agenda for the early March ten day cruise is a series of discreet rendezvous with Colombian-registered submarines which do most of the donkey work for the Pretender's foreign business enterprises.
Last year was a disaster for the family concern as a total of nine mini-subs either ran aground, lost their cargo, sank mysteriously near the Bermuda Triangle or were busted by the Royal Navy and/or US Coastguard.
Charles famously lost his lucrative slush fund sinecures from Sordid Arabia's Prince Bandar after the UK Serious & Disorganised Fraud Orifice threatened to publish the documents showing why Tony Blair gagged their investigation.
The Caribbean cruise is seen as vital to supporting the continued mythology that befits Charles's status as heir apparent to the Puppet Monarchy.
"Without the crack deals he'd be on his uppers," a New Scotland Yard source confirmed today.
Kate Middleton is woebegone.