Barnsley, Yorkshire - (Hydrazine Mess): Octogenarian old age pensioner Mrs Doris Pratt has vowed to sue the Pentagon after branding its recent attempts to blast a toxic rogue satellite with a S&M-3 sea-launched missile as a horribly amateurish clay pigeon shooting cock up.
Mrs Pratt has now filed a multi billion dollar lawsuit against Pentagon chiefs after toxic debris from the botched shoot-down destroyed the weekly laundry drying on her back yard washing line.
"I went outside after hearing a horrible Woosh!," Mrs Pratt explained, "thinking at first it might have been another of those meteors we get round here.
"But the whole back yard smelled of that disgusting hydrazine stuff the Council uses in the municipal lawnmowers," Pratt continued.
"Then to my horror I saw the entire week's washing was ablaze. My best M&S winceyette peejays, all the brushed nylon bedding, six pairs of knickers, a brand new Agent Provocateur brassiere someone had just given me for Valentines, my very best Laura Ashley color-co-ordinated tea-towels and a Primark shell-suit from their Goddess! Winter 2007/8 collection.
"I ask you.
"Of course by the time the local fire brigade got here all that was left was a smouldering bit of washing line and the charred remains of the clothes pegs."
Mrs Pratt told local TV news reporters that she was so upset after the blaze that she decided to go down to her local vegetable allotment to calm herself down a bit.
"But when I got there all my winter brassicas, curly kale and sprouting Spring greens were ablaze just like the washing," Mrs Pratt wailed.
"Same disgusting hydrazine/lawnmower fuel stench told me it must have been bits of rogue satellite debris," the elderly lady continued.
"An entire winter crop has been destroyed. I calculate the damage as approaching the billions of dollars if you take into account the shock, trauma and emotional distress it has put me through.
Just as local TV news crews were finishing their interview of the distressed pensioner a breaking news story confirmed that the local bingo hall, where Mrs Pratt was a frequent punter, had also been completely destroyed after a foul-smelling fireball shot out of the sky and smashed into the roof of the building.
The area had to be evacuated and the blaze continued for several hours before firefighters finally brought it under control.
A spokesman for the Pentagon said today:
"Nonsense. It never happened. Yorkshire municipal lawnmowers do not run on hydrazine. Mrs Pratt is clearly a vexatious litigant, maybe even a deluded geriatric with am irrational grudge against the Bush Administration."
Barnsley District Council is saying nothing.