Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 21 February 2008

image for Gazza Arrested And Given Freedom Of Newcastle
Gazza and his 'mate'

Paul Gascoigne, the famous drinker, has been arrested by police and given the dubious honour of the Freedom of the City, Pubs, Clubs and Bars of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Gazza, as he is known to millions of drinkers, had been drinking solidly in pubs around Newcastle for weeks, and would have carried on drinking, had Northumbria Police not received an emergency call saying that a man had gone "berserk" at the Badhouse Hotel in the city.

When officers arrived at the scene, a man described as 'Gazza' was dancing naked on the bar with a pint in each hand. A crowd of men, and women who looked like men, were cheering loudly and throwing money at the ex-England midfielder.

Sergeant YI Pett of Northumbria Police said:

"It was just a regular quiet Wednesday night out in Newcastle, but we had to ask Mr Gascoigne to accompany us to the station to collect an award from the Mayor."

Once in police custody, Gazza was driven to the City Hall where Mayor YI Mann had the distinguished honour of affording him the Freedom of the City, Pubs, Clubs and Bars of Newcastle.

Gascoigne once had a brilliant footballing career, but chose to give it up in an attempt to promote binge-drinking around the world. He toured Italy, the USA and China, where his best friend was 'a dog'.

Said Mayor Mann:

"He's been a tremendous credit to the city of Newcastle over the years. Many publicans say they would have 'gone under' without his contribution. Even when he went to China to teach them how to drink, we knew he'd be back. Good old Gazza!"

Gaazza's long-time mate and rumoured hanger-on, Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner, said:

"It's a fitting tribute to cap a truly fantastic drinking career."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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