It has been disclosed today that the prime minister of the UK, Toby Blair, has been honoured with a medal for his bravery as a part-time reservist in the Iraq war. The startling revelation that the medal is none other than the revered Victoria Cross ranks the part-timer's achievement with the best, bravest and selfless sacrifices by soldiers from the Empire and Commonwealth over hundreds of years.
Astonishing as it may seem, the bashful Blair was planning on keeping the medal a secret until the sensational news was revealed by author Bob Woodworm in his latest book, published last week. It appears that the fearless Private Blair was offered, on three separate occasions, the chance to stand down on the conflict's sidelines. However, as the citation records, he did not waver in his ambition to fulfil his destiny in history.
A shy Private Blair explained his motives in his usual eloquent style. "Look, I mean, you see...", he said confidently to awaiting reporters at Chequers this morning. Apparently the Iraq hero was not on his usual form and was suffering from losing an hour's sleep the night before, worrying about his place in history.
It appears that the proposed Iraq war Military Cross for Blair's platoon leader, Sergeant Gaff Holiday-Hoon may not be awarded, however. It appears that the brave sergeant was unexpectedly delayed on a flight back from a holiday in Barbados when the citation letter was delivered and so missed the deadline to confirm his acceptance. The part-time Secretary of State for Defence and Iraq reservist volunteer, Sergeant Holiday-Hoon was not available for comment today as he had an important brochure inspection meeting at the travel agency.
All is not celebration at Number 10, however. It appears that the part-time prime minister/war hero is now under investigation from his main employer in his capacity as foreign representative to the United States. Although she was looking very fetching in her trade-mark Eva Braun hairstyle and black suspenders, an angry spokeswoman from the White House was clearly unhappy at the news of Blair's VC award. "We thought we had him under exclusive contract to peddle our crackpot foreign policy around the world and we never imagined he was also moonlighting as the prime mayor of a small town in Europeland", retorted an angry Dr Convoluuuted Lies.
Toby Blair VC is also under fire from his own Labour Party members who do not think he spends enough time as prime minister on domestic issues. Captain Robin Cook, the explorer, ex-foreign secretary and ex-cabinet minister, summed up the feeling of the party members. "He should spend less time swanning around the world trying to stake his claim to a place in history and more time sorting out the problems in health, education, transport and environment that he was elected to sort out." explained Captain Cook, as he browsed a rather interesting chart of the coast of New Zealand. "If he wants a VC from Iraq, let him actually go there, feel the sharp end and bloody earn it".
A spokeswoman apologised for the absence of the Secretary of State for Defence, and read out a message sent via e-mail from Barbados: "Wish you were here and see you soon - Holiday-Hoon".