Buckingham Palace - (Republican Mess): Prince William has told pals about the first time he was officially told he had less chance of ever becoming King of England than the dodgy one-armed Jihadi known as Abu Hamza.
The 24 year old squaddie, currently on secondment to the RAF's BAE slush-fund division, has been holed up in a South of England barracks after being stripped of his royal benefit handouts.
"Ministry of Defence top brass said to me 'Go buy yourself a nice country pub somewhere and call it the King of England'," William wailed, "apparently that's the closest they'll ever let me get to the Real McCoy.
"Apparently I've failed all the royal DNA tests just like my Prince Charles tribute act Papa," Wills continued, "and matched positive for Tony Blair's grandson as well as lesser-known strains of Adolf Hitler's own mitochondria - whatever the hell that actually means."
Nevertheless William still instructed his PR team to keep spinning the Glories of Albion royal fiction that one day he would be crowned in Westminster Abbey.
"And then wallop! Blasted Kate Middleton dumps me like a steaming turd. Said she'd enough of public faghagging while I shagged the regimental sergeant major. Can you believe it?"
Meanwhile Wills' official younger brother Harry has turned down the chance to sell his own I'm a Right Royal Impostor life story to the News of the Royal Screws despite a whopping £10 million fee plus movie rights.
A mysterious bout of amnesia apparently has laid low the fetid little ginger top after a low-key visit from the Windsor Castle royal archivist accompanied by Serious Fraud Orifice top brass.
Camilla is apoplectic.