The exhaustive and costly enquiry into the tragic deaths of Diana Princess of Wales and her rich Arab playboy boyfriend Dodi Al-Fayed took on a new twist this week. Rich Arab Mohammed Al-Fayed, who owns Harrods, claims to have confidential leaked documents that prove beyond doubt that famed Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was behind the plot.
"He was in a sniper's nest, on the Eiffel Tower", claimed the wealthy storekeeper. "When he saw the limousine he fired three shots," explained Al-Fayed, wearing a 'Harrods Sale' sandwich-board. "The first missed completely, the second killed a passing pigeon and the third hit the nearside front wheel of the car".
It is alleged that this sent the black Mercedes spinning out of control, hitting a tunnel support and causing fatal injuries to the two VIP passengers.
When asked why Oswald would want to do such a thing, rich Arab shop-assistant Al-Fayed alleged that "Oswald was bitter that he didn't get full credit for the JFK shooting, and wanted to prove he wasn't a one-hit wonder". Apparently, years of resentment over the Dallas conspiracy theories drew Oswald out of self-imposed retirement for one last hit, and "he wanted a big, European target".
Reporters put it to swarthy-looking Knightsbridge checkout-assistant Mr Al-Fayed that he was simply running out of bizarre conspiracy theories and should give up his absurd one-man witch-hunt against the British establishment. Angry-looking shelf-stacker Mr Al-Fayed was then hurried away by his minders, shaking his fists, and not commenting further other than to briefly mention the forthcoming Harrods Sale.
A spokesman for the 'Commission of Avoiding Death', a new Government think-tank with the remit to encourage people to live longer by not being silly, said today; "our research indicates that if you travel at speed in a heavy car, driven by a drunk-driver, crash into a concrete pillar, and you're not wearing a seat-belt, then death is surely possible".
We tried to contact Lee Harvey Oswald for a comment but his spokesman Fidel Castrol called us to explain that as Lee was in fact shot dead in a public place, and on film, nearly 45 years ago, he thought it "unlikely" that his former client had been involved and that "there may in fact be an innocent explanation for the Paris tragedy of 10 years ago."
The enquiry continues.