According to police sources, Britain's streets are now no-go areas as gangs of elderly thugs are gathering around off-licences and Bingo Halls making general nuisances of themselves. Already this week 3 teenagers have been injured by such groups as they innocently walked to the pub.
Gangs of up to 50 geriatrics congregate on street corners in electric scooters, walkers or Zimmer frames or just walking sticks with which to trip up unsuspecting children. The oldies just stand there laughing. They play Max Bygraves, Vera Lynn or George Formby 78s at full volume. These yobs are often spotted drinking Sanatogen wine and throwing empty Horlicks jars about. They can often be seen popping 'i's (ibuprofen) and 'vi's or 'blueies' (Viagra).
They often wear medals as badges of honour and more often than not berets and blazers. The old ladies are just as bad as the boys and dye their hair with a blue or pink rinse. These 'hens' seem to be most happy when they're playing bingo or attending WI meetings.
With the help of In Seine News, Terry Wogan of Save the Children Fund appealed to these delinquents;
"Yes, we know you fought for this country but it doesn't give you the right to spread fear and mayhem to the future generation. You're always telling us that 'We never did that when we were young!' so why do you feel the need to rebel now?"
Victor Meldrew, spokesman for Help the Aged responded;
"I don't believe it! We fought for this country through three world wars - we barely had one meal a day - we had to walk, yes walk 5 miles to school, and back every day. We didn't have things like Mobile phones or Playstations. When the police were called they would turn up immediately. If we got caught we faced prison when a life meant life or even hanging. We've paid our taxes, our mortgages and had to work bloody hard - and for what? We've got no human rights; why newts, bats, otters and foxes have more rights than we have. That Wogan fellow (who is old himself) has the gall to ask us to stop - I bet he didn't go through National Service either. I see NO reason to stop!"
Victor was given a couple of 'i's' and a swig of Sanatogen to calm him down.
The local MP, Police Commissioner, Social Services shrugged their shoulders and said;
"What can we do? They're out of control; we blame the parents"