Spook HQ, London - (Treasonous Mess): The Pretender to the Puppet Throne has been on the KGB payroll ever since his 1981 wedding to Lady Diana Spencer according to UK spooks' CEO Sir John 'Captain' Scarlett.
His co-called brother the Duke of York is also on the payroll in the Russian spying agency's Opus Dei sub-division where he is in charge of industrial espionage in the hydrocarbons industry.
The Pretender's heir-apparent Prince William has received a total of £5 million from the Church of Scientology, cunningly concealed as legacies from the late Princess Diana's estate.
William's so-called girlfriend-cum faghag Kate Middleton herself has been on a creaming-off scam linked to Northern Crock Bank missing billions which she has stashed away in accounts set up for her by Virgin's Richard Branson.
And Camilla's pre-wedding income of £500,000 per annum has been sourced to a British National Party slushfund funded by the American Order of ther Skull and Bones (Osteoporosis Division).
There has been no comment from Buckingham Palace, mostly because Old Fatty Mountbatten herself is currently too busy counting her secret GazProm revenues that Roman Abramovich paid over to her in exchange for being allowed to buy Chelsea Football Club.
Cherie Blair is sick as a parrot.