Written by Bob Muppet
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Thursday, 7 February 2008

image for Britain Shamed by Sober Teenagers
Pre Pregnant Teen Role Model

Shock waves reverberated through Britain's corridors of power when it was disclosed that a gang of sober teenagers had been found on a notorious London council estate, committing absolutely no crime whatsoever.

The British government has long favoured a policy of encouraging its teenagers to consume vast quantities of alcohol in order to promote anti-social behaviour.

This failure was seen by insiders to show that the Labour government was losing its grip on its vulnerable young people.

Ms Jacqui Smith, the home secretary was quick to defend her policies and explained the initiatives that she has implemented to ensure that British teenagers were permanently intoxicated.

She argued that no teenager should use the excuse that there was nowhere to buy alcohol, because of the legislation her government implemented allowing pubs and clubs to open 24/7.

Supermarkets have also been ordered to reduce the prices of booze so that even the poorest of teenagers can afford to get totally off their heads every day.

Ms Smith also stressed how important binge drinking was to maintain Britain's position at the top of the league for teenage pregnancy.

It has long been known that alcohol reduces young people's inhibitions and this encourages the necessary promiscuous behaviour that leads to unplanned pregnancies, she enthused.

Similarly she argued that without alcohol fuelled violence, Britain would lose its coveted place at the top of the youth- murder league.

Traditionally, knife and gun crime was limited to American cities, but she proudly boasted that filling the country with multi- cultural criminals has given Britain world-class teenage killers.

When questioned as to what actions were necessary to prevent a repeat of the shocking behaviour of sober teenagers she admitted that it was an uphill struggle.

She explained that the majority of sober teenagers come from homes where two married people, of different sexes, live happy, fulfilled lives. They typically have high status jobs and regularly attend church, she admitted.

These people manage to provide stable, loving homes in spite of all our attempts to socially engineer a society where these qualities are treated with contempt.

The only solution to the problem of sober teenagers was to give responsible parents a lengthy prison sentence she concluded.

To this end, she boasted, we are building two hundred new prisons to put these respectable and adequate people in.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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