Lancashire - (Rioters): The stricken Riverdance ferry has dumped its entire cargo of Dimplex condoms, McVitie's choc chip cookies and Anusol Wart Remover Jelly onto the Lancashire shore prompting feverish looting by bounty-hunter tourists.
Salvage teams reported manic fighting broke out among an estimated crowd of 50,000 looters "hell-bent on piling the spoils into rucksacks, handbags and pockets."
A number of arrests were made before police operations were abandoned after the biscuits were trampled into a huge slippery mash that forced the closure of the northern Blackpool foreshore.
Life boat crews also reported seeing thousands of marine birds "choking and spluttering" after mistaking the condoms for seafood snacks.
The stricken ferry itself was in bad shape after a cargo of 100 lorries slipped out of secure loading bays, fell into the choppy ice-cold waters and reportedly damaged internet cabled linking Lancashire to Northern Crock Bank call centres in Bangalore, India.
Prime Monster Gorgon Brown is expected to announce a state of national emergency.