Written by Lord Falsey
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Topics: England, Beach

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

image for Scarborough to Lose Beach
A Scarborough Deckchair, soon to be made redundant.

After months of speculation, Scarborough Borough Council confirmed this morning that Scarborough is to lose its beach.

During a press conference, town planner, David Falsey outlined his new vision for the country's oldest seaside resort and stated that removing the beach will place Scarborough "head and shoulders" above other resorts in the country.

In a passionate speech, Falsey stated that beach removal work would begin March 2008, and that all sands would be removed in time for the arrival of Easter holiday makers.

"Any worries about any remaining sand should be eradicated immediately" explained Falsey, who last year gained recognition for his decision to ban Christmas in Scarborough. He continued: "As well as removing the beach on the South Bay, I am also in discussions with fellow councillors to remove the North Bay by Easter 2009. The sands have been eyesores for years, they must go and they must go soon".

With a population of over 50,000. Scarborough has been plagued with social problems ever since tourists started using the beaches in the 1600s. Scarborough Police also confirmed at the meeting that sand castle building was "escalating out of control" and they had removed 3575 sand castles "with moats" in July alone.

"We simply don't have the manpower to patrol the beach " explained the town's chief constable, Tony Seaweed "There's kids everywhere and noise levels are shocking, I'm cautioning youngsters every day for laughing and smiling, they're all having a good time on the sands, which is unacceptable behaviour in this day and age".

Seaweed (38) continued: "North Yorkshire Police backs David Falsey's proposals one hundred percent and we look forward to the day when we can patrol the front without sand getting in our eyes".

Seaweed also confirmed reports that donkey joy riding was now rampant on the beaches and that his force had arrested two pensioners for eating ice cream cones and dropping their flakes on the South Bay Beach; Andrew and Betty Tait were detained in cells overnight and are expected to be questioned this morning over their melting cones. If found guilty of dropping their flakes on the sands, they could both face a maximum prison sentence of up to 10 years.

When work begins, Scarborough Council announced that sand will be sold off on a "first come first serve basis" and would be available in small, medium, large and big bugger buckets.

It is believed that Scarborough Council will also be offering a family deal bargain bucket of sand, complete with rock pool, dead star fish, soiled condom and a flag for £10.59".

Once the town's sands have been sold off it is expected that other tourist resorts will follow suit, and replace their beaches with multi storey car parks, soulless cinema complexes, Frank and Bennys or more bloody casinos.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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