Written by Jesus Budda
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Tuesday, 29 January 2008

image for Mark Lowton under Attack - Fears for his life.
Lowton has taken to carrying a loaded revolver in his boxer shorts.

'Writer' Jesus Budda has rushed to the defense of the ultra popular TheSpoof.com administrator Mark 'the moustache' Lowton from threats made by other writers on the 'hugely popular' site.

The whole messy saga began following the editing of one of Nick Fun's stories to remove references to a popular household brand name manufacturing giant.

"Can you explain the editing of my story? I don't mind being edited so long as it is for the good and well being of humanity. If it even saves a child from drowning then I am all for it. Count me in if it feeds the masses! But editing without proper notification is just not my thing!" asked Fun, "and how is it that my "points" are less than my number of views?"

"I just want the fucking truth", commented Fun today through an interpreter, "I can't take the pain any longer. I want an answer, goddammit!"

Lowton responded politely and delicately that he was terrified of being sued and losing his precious belongings - namely a teapot and a singing fish plaque. "This kind of thing (being sued) has happened in the past but I'd rather not have the hassle", he sobbed.

But Fun wanted more: "I have a tendency to take my DVD's and fling them like frisbees. I didn't know this would cause scratching!", threatened the former Asia Babe, who by this stage was making it very clear that gratuitous violence was but a short step away.

"The Spoof is just my hobby and, as you know, those DVDs don't rewind themselves", pleaded Lowton, as he begged for his life, "don't hurt me. I am but a man".

Somewhere along the way talk of badgers entered into the discussion. This has very little to do with this story but badgers are nice and it does lead us to the arrival of your beloved narrator, Jesus Budda.

"I couldn't stand to see a man on the ropes", Budda said in an exclusive interview with himself, "so I thought I'd add one of my own uniquely worded, utterly useless comments to the mix:

"I like Marks editing. It's a privilege to be edited by the man.", I wrote, not expecting that anyone would take that obviously sarcastic shit seriously.

It was only then that two dark sinister figures emerged from the depths of the forum, crawling down from the mountains, nostrils flaring, knuckles red raw from being dragged along the rocky outcrops that line the bordered edges that define humanity from vulgarity:

"Does that brown stuff on your nose affect your breathing very much?", belched the beast that is Gnarly Eric, as he wielded a heavy Nordic hammer above his spindly shoulders. "I can't help your story placement", he spat, alluding to my desire to get more idiots reading my stuff, as mentioned on my writers profile page.

Then came forth the man they call McCarthy, an Irish Catholic priest turned bad (not an uncommon thing in itself):
""EEeeeeh I Tell yo Missis LAAaatun, Those Maady arsed West Umerikins are reet f**kin knob noshers!!!!!", he roared as he beat upon his hairy chest.

This cryptic message has yet to be deciphered, but no doubt it contains foulness on a scale as yet unheard of in the history of mankind. It's possibly Celtic in origin or some other Irish shit.
I suspect that if I play it backwards on my old record player it would make some sense. Possibly.

With this, Lowton boarded himself up in his rustic log cabin. His new 'wife' has urged him to retire and get out of the business before it's too late.

"They know what I look like, they know where to find me", squealed Lowton, "there's nowhere to run, baby. It's just you, me...and JB. We're on our own. God help us all. If only I had rich, powerful sponsors in my hour of need!".

Google and Johnson&Johnson have denied any knowledge of theSpoof or Lowton and are refusing to send in backup to protect the precious jewel of ye olde Britain. It jus makes no (Ad)sense.

24 hour reporting can be found on this shocking story on the forums

Make Jesus Budda's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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