Written by Claire Thomas
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Tuesday, 29 January 2008

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Your mum, last night

Your mum revealed yesterday that she too has cheated with love rat footballer Ashley Cole.

Cole, who appears to have slept with everyone during his short marriage to Girls Aloudmouth Cheryl Tweedy, met your mum last year in a club while she was on an outing for the hen night of one of the girls at work.

"Ashley admired all my Elizabeth Duke jewellery, and he bought me a Bacardi and Coke," said your mum in an exclusive interview today. "He was a real gentleman."

Your mum admitted that she knew Cole was a married man. "He told me he was unhappy, and that they weren't sleeping together any more."

Cole sneaked out of your mum's house in the early hours of the morning to return to the marital home, where he bought Cheryl some bespoke Gucci-designed guilt flowers. It may have been this that initially sparked Cheryl's fears.

Cole is also known to have slept with air stewardesses, barmaids, canine cinema star Lassie and, it has been suggested, Wayne Rooney, although this may be mere rumour arising from the fact that Rooney has also slept with your mum.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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