Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 28 January 2008

image for McDonalds Qualifications Will Only Be Valid In Participating Stores
Offer valid until interview stage, when employer will laugh heartily

McDonalds, the fast food machine, has reacted angrily to criticism of its plan to offer qualifications to members of staff, saying that any qualifications awarded will only be valid in other participating branches of its outlets.

Critics launched scathing attacks on McDonalds when it was announced earlier today that workers within its vast organisation could complete in-house training courses, and benefit from awards, which could even be used towards a university degree.

But McBosses replied saying that, staff would only be able to use their 'qualifications' in other McDonalds, and then only during off-peak times. In reality, said a spokesman, they were "worthless".

McDonalds are amongst the top 2million employers in the world for staff training, and last week introduced plans for a Higher National Diploma (HND) in Wiping Tables, a Post-graduate degree course in Using A Squeegy Mop, and a National Vocational Qualification (NVQ) in Cleaning Around the U-Bend.

Several other vocational courses are still at the planning stage, including Getting the Order Wrong, Short-changing Customers, and Greetings Excellence.

McDonalds marketing supremo, Rod Psycho, said:

"We believe in training our staff to a high standard. When they respond to training, we feel it's only right to reward their perseverance with us. That's why we have introduced these 'awards'. When employees try to use these awards in the real world, however, they will find them not worth the paper they are written on."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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