Hype Park - (Reuterus & Bad Ass Mess): The Ministry of Defence has admitted that 69 laptops containing details of all the soldiers that Princess Diana had ever shagged have somehow ended up at the bottom of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain where they poisoned the crystal healing waters with battery toxins.
Soixante-neuf was always Diana's favorite rearguard position when caught in compromising flagrente delicto screwing officers from the Household Cavalry Regiment and the Household Cavalry Mounted Regiment, from the Royal Armoured Corps, the Heavy Cavalry, the Light Cavalry and the all-important Royal Stink-Tank Regiment.
On weekday mornings Diana favored shagging Infantry soldiers from the Foot & Mouth Guards and the Line of Cocaine Infantry.
Depending on the 'time of the month' the former Princess was quite partial to a good seeing to from members of HM Special Forces and would often hang around Knightsbridge Barracks on the off chance of scoring a quickie.
The Blues and Royals and members of the Royal Whores Guards/1st Dragoons were unfailingly obliging towards the little minx when it came to a hand-job.
But when it came to marathon afternoon shagging sessions in the back of the Kensington Palace Range Rover the regiments most likely to feature servicing Diana's bottomless appetites were Grenadier Guards (just one battalion), Coldstream Guards, Scots Guards (one battalion again), Irish Guards and Welsh Guards (but only when desperate).
The MoD has also said today that seven personal computers missing since 1994 were also discovered near the Diana Fountain as well as CD disks containing the personal details of all personnel who signed the Official Secrets Act after being caught screwing/dealing coke for the fateful silly young woman.
Camilla is incontinent.