Whitehole, London - (Penurious Mess): New Tory welfare proposals will see claimants microchipped like Pet Passport holders and benefit payments replaced with repayable loans, much like student grants.
Announcing the policies David Cameron looked smug, confident and an awful lot like his great uncle Sir Oswald Mosely, former leader of the British Fascist party.
Claimants' subcutaneous microchips will be de-activated once all welfare cheques have been repaid. It will then be possible to apply for chip removal once insertion and de-activation costs have also been met.
Career benefit scroungers will effectively pawn all their worldly goods, the value of which will be automatically deducted from their estate when they are dead.
The same principles will apply to prison inmates who will face compulsory reimbursements of their prosecution and incarceration costs.
Teenage single mothers will have to agree to microchipping of their children or forgo state benefits.
Microchipped children will then be automatically monitored using Sat-Nav technology for signs of truancy and criminal/anti-social behavior.
Fat people and cigarette smokers will be barred from any state handouts until they lose weight and/or quit their filthy habits.
Ditto alkies, junkies and compulsive gamblers.
The new raft of proposals aim to slash £100 billion a year off the state welfare budget which is now in freefall after Gorgon Brown empties Treasury coffers by doshing up the hapless Northern Crock Bank last year.
Ulrika Johnson is an old slag.