London - (Refuse Mess): Royal rubbish collection officials have testified at Diana's inquest about the night the Princess had to hide in a Buck House wheelie bin after storming out of a state reception for Boris Yeltsin.
The Princess had been seated next to the pissed Russian president despite complaining that he'd tried to grope her behind the jacaranda in the throne room.
After furtively topping up his official dinner wineglass from a half-gallon hip-flask filled with Harrod's Creme de Menthe Yeltsin apparently lunged at Diana, accidentally dropping his fork down her cleavage.
HRH stifled a scream and frantically tried to alert a footman to come to her rescue.
Yeltsin then attempted a ham-fisted cutlery-removal manoeuvre which resulted in him falling face-first into her lap, accidentally ripping her chiffon Armani dress and ending up staring into her split-crotch Janet Reger knickers.
The Princess let out a piercing scream, rose from her chair and delivered a well-aimed kick in the nuts to the paralytic Russian president who by this stage was on the floor salivating over her Manalo Blahniks.
"If you escape I will hunt you down to the four corners of the Earth!" thundered Yeltsin as Diana ran for her life out of the State Dining Room, pursued by both British and Russian security guards brandishing handguns.
Convinced she was about to be executed on North Korean espionage charges Diana fled through the Blue and White Drawing Room onto the terrace, into the garden, past the herbaceous borders and towards the Palace tradesmen's entrance.
In the distance she could hear the excited yapping of all 36 royal corgis in hot pursuit. Fortunately just ahead of her stood salvation in the form of two dozen newly-emptied wheelie bins.
With one almighty leap HRH jumped into the refuse receptacle and banged down the lid with its royal monogrammed crest from the inside, jamming it shut.
The following morning a team of royal dustmen were much surprised when hearing shouting and banging coming from inside one of the wheelies.
After releasing a safety catch who should spring out like a royal jack-in-the-box but Diana herself, slightly worse for wear and covered in bits of broccoli.
"If you ever tell a soul about this I swear I'll come back to haunt you for the rest of your lives after my death!"