Like many of us, Heather Trotter-Twobutts enjoyed a few eeny-weeny glasses of vin rouge over Christmas without giving a second thought to just how twee she'd become. Most of her colleagues and friends drank the same amounts of lager, and as someone who got "tiddly" occasionally rather than skulled like they did, she considered herself to be better than them.
Yet one night sitting across a dinner table from her gorgeous bloke Alfonso, feeling the effects of "just a couple of glasses of wine" she realised she was as twee as Delia Smith on top of a Christmas tree.
"It was dreadful," said Trotter-Twobutts. "I felt like a real prune."
She was unable to recall the twaddle she was trying to say and noticed her ponced up accent was just like cut glass. The contrast with her fantastic guy, who drank lager after lager, suddenly shocked her.
"Alfonso was so manly and full of energy. By contrast, I did not feel in control of my vajayjay."
At the peak of her habit Heather was drinking 25 glasses of wine a day and "getting merry" whereas Alfonso was downing 25 lagers a day and was never "tiddly", "tipsy" or "squiffy" or any of those silly girly things. In fact, it made him more of a man especially in the John Thomas department.
It sounds like a load of rubbish, but millions of UK men drink twice as much lager and still remain real men, whereas silly arse UK women drink their poncy plonk, get all "seven sails to the wind" and as posh as kippers for breakfast.
The trouble is that like Heather, few of us realise that this is a sign of the "wrong drink" scenario. Many women should just drink lager and become men.
"Most women drink red wine because they think they're better than everyone else," says Dr Java Gerbil, of Her Royal Highnesses Institute For A Medical Quote.
"However, they often have no idea that they could drink lager instead and be just like men.
Do you know any women who drink red wine, get all "squiddly-widdly-do", talk about their vajayjays and their bloke's John Thomas's, and then acquire double-barrel names?
The Daily Wail, first with new year health-related crap.