Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: India, Hospital

Monday, 14 January 2008

image for Hospital Patient Becomes Latest Victim of Indian Conkers
Doctors warming up for a game of Indian Conkers

A hospital patient undergoing treatment for a Burst Appendix has become the latest unfortunate victim of the much-feared ancient South Asian pastime of Indian Conkers, it has been reported today.

The patient, who cannot be named because it is embarrassing, was being treated at the Russells Hall Hospital in the West Midlands, and, due to the circumstances of his condition, had to be whisked into the operating theatre at around 11pm last Sunday evening.

The operation went well, but, on waking, the patient complained to medical staff of having "an aching knackersack". A subsequent investigation found that his surgeons, two doctors from the Punjab, had carried out the procedure using, what they called, "an ancient art of restraint".

Indian Conkers is a distant relative of the English schoolboy game Conkers, though with vastly different consequences for the victim. The game involves one participant placing his feet on the testicles of the other, and attempting to squeeze the gonad out of the scrotum by all means open to him.

The manoeuvre has proved invaluable to surgeons, who, as well as the more traditional general anaesthetic, have found that Indian Conkers renders the victim completely immobile and, thus, safe to operate on.

Other doctors at the hospital say the procedure is not in their training manual, but, due to its apparent success in this case, may be more widely used in the future.

The patient involved cannot yet walk upright properly, but has already had children, and, aside from the excrutiating pain, it is not thought his Smashed Knackers will cause any other long-term problems to his health.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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