Air travellers can look forward to taking a full set of limbs onto planes after regulations were relaxed at most airports across the UK.
Up until today, customs officers were legally permitted to use chainsaws and meat cleavers in order to meet loading requirements. Customers who turned up at airports with fatty or overweight limbs were lead into a special secure sector, and butchered. One lady was considered so obese, she had her entire body removed and was only allowed to travel as a severed head, although she was upgraded to first class as compensation for the inconvenience.
But some airlines have taken the legislation as carte blanche to do what they want, with Nuemann Air taking special interest in the liquid limits.
"We have to take every measure to make sure we comply with the rules, but it doesn't effect the enjoyment of our passengers," said a spokesperson. "Therefore we have extracted all the liquid from their bodies and reduced them to a fine dust, which we keep in jars.
"The upside is we have a pleasant and worry free flight, the downside is we don't sell many expensive snacks. But that's the war on terror. We did have to let one of the cabin crew go as he was using a man in a jar from economy as a makeshift salsa dip"