Continued rising house prices and falling lending confidence has led struggling mortgage lender Northern Rock to propose a new approach for its recovery. The recommendation is for new mortgage schemes to allow Londoners to apply for buy-to-let mortgages against the purchase of canine residences.
"It has long been accepted that there is a serious lack of viable mortgage applications in London since the cost of a single bedroom hovel in Hackney has risen beyond that of a 7 bedroomed palace in Hull," explains Northern Rock advisor Malcolm Merrivale, "these new lending plans will allow newcomers to get a foot on the housing ladder and simultaneously enable Northern Rock to re-establish itself in the market."
The government is said to be enormously relieved at the prospect of the company dragging itself out of its recent financial crisis without further aid and without the need for further debate over nationalisation of the company. Labour spokesman Gary Dronner elaborated,"To think that the current Labour government would even consider nationalisation of any business is to ignore the policies of the previous ten years. To propose the nationalisation of this financial institution would stand in contradiction of our privatisation of the National Air Traffic Control System and the Tote, the only real things left for us to make a few quid on after the Tories desperate flogging prior to 1997, and to ignore our important work in the area of NHS contracting, and in fact everything that the modern Labour party stands for. We are therefore extremely pleased that Northern Rock have wisely used some of the Bank of England's generous loans to hire expert consultant help which has been successful in finding a mutually satisfactory solution."
Readers wishing to take part in this new scheme will shortly be able to find details online although The Spoof points out that if the scheme catches on, other lenders are sure to introduce competing offers, and with the likelihood of some free pens on offer, advises to wait out the initial frenzy and shop around.