Written by Timber

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Topics: America, Britain

Monday, 5 April 2004

image for Britain cuts ties with Europe, floats off into Atlantic
This accurate satellite picture shows the direction Britain has been taking recently

Britain has cut all ties with Europe and is now floating off across the Atlantic in the direction of America.

In a hastily arranged ceremony this morning, Britain officially severed the Channel Tunnel and removed itself from Europe. A team of top engineers worked for seven hours overnight before the country was carefully detached from the northern end of the tunnel at 07:55 GMT. Prime Minster Tony Blair was in Folkestone to oversee proceedings and declared that he was pleased with the way the operation had gone.

"I am pleased," Blair announced, "with the way the operation has gone."

The historic move will allow Britain to choose whichever direction it wishes to take. Early indications show that the country is headed precisely towards New York. The Prime Minister himself has taken on the responsibility of steering the island as it crosses the Atlantic at a speed upwards of 40 knots.

Many Britons woke up to the news with delight. Leicester Bigot, a 32-year-old office worker in the Midlands, grinned "I haven't felt so good since we won the second world war!" Meanwhile, Bruno, a 397m-year-old Coleacanth from the Palaeozoic era, reminisced "it's just like the old days..."

However, there has been some dissent; a lot of it comes from French tourists, now stranded on the runaway land mass. Thierry, a French national whom we spoke to in the Highbury area of north London, worried "this is a huge risk - what if we crash into a cruise liner in the middle of the sea? And what if it rains heavily? Would the country sink? They really haven't thought this through."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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