BBC TV Center - (Bad Ass Mess): Bloated TV cook and desperate wannabe celeb Nigella Lawson has been outed as a thief after stealing all the recipes in her BBC show following encouragement by serial plagiarist and childrens' story thief JK Rowling.
Lawson, 48DD-40-48, hacked into a renowned cookery writer's computer, downloaded all the new recipes and completed the heist by posting a disgusting data-crunching virus which many see as the cyber-equivalent of necrotizing fasciitis.
She then rushed headlong into a ££££s BBC TV contract after fraudster Rowling swore blind before a judge in chambers that all the recipes had been freely given to the corpulent cook in a bona fide arrangement.
But now all that is coming unravelled as Nigella's cholestrol-guzzling cookery ideas suddenly begin to backfire.
First to complain has been her husband Charles Saatchi who at 25 stone in weight is himself no sylph-like creature.
Saatchi, Lawson's second husband, has moaned in public that his wife 'is killing him slowly, methodically and pre-determinedly' with her fat-ridden, sugar-loaded calorific food.
"She knows the life insurance won't pay out if it's death by suspicious circumstances," Saatchi said today, "so she's just piling on the agony with an extra dollop of organically-reared free range goose-fat in my early morning cornflakes every day.
"The other day I caught her slipping in a whole tin of Lyle's Golden Syrup into my coffee at elevenses," Saatchi continued, "before adding two litres of double cream to my slimline cock-a-leekie soup at lunchtime.
"And for dinner there's a kilo of Marks and Sparks butter in every sauce accompanying her hog roasts, paellas and cassoulets.
"And it doesn't just stop with mealtimes I can tell you.
"Every night she makes me smear her with a 2 litre tub of double chocolate-chip cookies Haagen-Daz before licking it all off before there's even any hint of foreplay.
"I may be heading for a fatal coronary any day now."
The Nigella Express Course to Connubial Bliss is published by Fatarse Press, price £35.