Buckingham Palace - (Bad Ass Mess): A horrid pus-colored bruise that has appeared on the Queen's neck prompting reports that Prince Philip tried to strangle her once again has been dismissed by the Palace.
However insider sources are now certain that it is a classic sign of a botched medical euthanasia attempt, similar to the lethal cocaine/morphine jab that royal physician Lord Dawson administered to the dying King George V so that news of his death could be conveniently announced in the morning edition of The Times the next day.
"This may have just been a practise run," a Hellfire Club source said today, "because we are coming up to the two cosmically ideal death slots earmarked for the Puppet Monarch's demise.
"Many of us would be eternally grateful if she popped her clogs this Friday, 21st December just as the Sun makes its annual conjunction to the baleful planet Pluto, Lord of Death and Karma.
"In fact quite a few long-term wagers with internet spread-betting index Aintogottaprayer.com could be cashed in with such a festive result.
"Another great day for her to finally exit would be Saturday 22 December any time after 6.08 am GMT at the moment of the Winter Solstice when the Sun enters Capricorn and Saturnalia begins.
"If she snuffs it on that day the 3-1 2nd fav payout could be a right royal earner for many.
"Then the following day, 23 December could also prove immensely popuylar as the Sun makes a rare, once-in-a-decade conjunction with the planet Jupiter in Capricorn.
"The ante-post payout for that one could be as good as 7-2.
"Same odds of course for a Xmas Eve fatal heart attack because of the Full Moon that day added to the ominous Sun/Mars opposition in the cardinal signs of apricorn and Cancer.
"But no newspapers are published the following day, Tuesday 25 December. So I very much doubt if that trial run with the fatal jab will get much of a look in just yet.
"Of course, it could just have been a vampire bite. Or some disgusting sex game gone horribly wrong. Maybe some visiting foreign dignitary tried on a love bite?
"Either that or she simply caught a nasty dose of necrotizing fasciitis after eating a dodgy prawn vol-au-vent at some recent festive party. Like the Labour Party....teheheeeee."