Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: London, Navy

Thursday, 1 April 2004

image for Minister resigns after admitting "I was crap"
The Minister speaks....

London, April 1st -Minister Without Portfolio Lunchtime O' Cider, appointed by Tony O' Blair in the last cabinet reshuffle - he was made to move from Defence after selling the Navy to two blokes from Stoke-on-Trent - has resigned today in a devastating attack of ministerial honesty.

"I know this may seem odd" he told theSpoof after stunning parliament earlier today with his announcement, "but frankly I'm shite as a Minister. I can't stay awake in the House, I can't read any of the stuff in my Red Boxes, and my civil servants seem to speak Klingon. And I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to be doing. There doesn't seem much point getting up every day just for a free ride in a Rover and cheap booze in the House of Commons bar."

Tony O' Blair is said to be irritated. In fact he's said to be f*****g furious. "I'm f*****g furious," he said to theSpoof, "but don't quote me on that. We can't have bastard ministers going around resigning ‘cos they're shite. If one does it they'll all have to do it, and frankly even though we've got a billion Labour MP's in the House not one of em's fit for office. If I thought I could get away with it I'd point the bone at him and hope his arse falls off."

However Lunchtime seems to be getting support from the public - especially his constituents. "I knew him when he was a teenager" said one voter who wished to remain anonymous. (Sheila Keggs, if you want to know). "He was a useless prat then. Couldn't keep a job, drive a car, tie his own shoelaces - perfect for parliament we all thought. But if it's too much for him - well, good riddance to bad rubbish. He's obviously a useless prat now, too."

Last word must go to his wife. "Free ride in a Rover and cheap booze in the House of Commons bar? That's all he ever wanted, the idle toad. He needn't think he's coming back here to hang about and make the carpets smell. Please, Tony, give him another job."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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