Written by The Colemeister
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Friday, 14 December 2007

image for Northern Rock: Branson to combine banking and wanking
Northern Rock: Mortgage, Sir? And some boobies in your face too?

Richard Branson has today announced his revolutionary plans for Northern Rock. In an attempt to 'sex up' the banking industry Branson will look to develop a 'Hooters' style approach to retail banking.

Branson's PR skills and ability to command column inches were once again on display as he proudly revealed his own cosmetically enhanced 32DD boobs. The resulting flash photography caused epileptic seizures across the capital, but journalists agreed that Branson was a PR genius.

The Sun bumped Keeley from 'Page 3', replacing her with Branson wearing nothing but a polka dot g-string and suggestively cupping his own 34DD breasts.

Branson's Northern Rock manifesto includes the following 'shock' measures;

  • Northern Rock to be rebranded 'The Big Bank of Boobies'.
  • All staff to be topless (male and female - Branson's not a sexist).
  • Each week an evocative song is selected by Branson, when it is played over the tannoy system all staff have to stop what they are doing and give the nearest punter a lap dance.
  • 24 hour banking and dancing.
  • Alcohol served on the premises.
  • Staff to keep all tips.
  • No touching or photography.
  • Great rates of interest.

When confronted with the fact that Branson was basically turning Northern Rock into a strip club Alistair Darling said 'No. No he isn't.' Then he scuttled off muttering something about being an idiot for not sorting out his eyebrows before he came into public life.

Admittedly his eyebrows make it difficult to take him seriously, but his massive ineptitude is probably a bigger issue.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne admitted he was slightly aroused, but pulled himself together enough to question the ability of staff to combine dancing and banking. "I'm intrigued' he said ,"I love a titty bar as much as the next man, I will be down there ASAP getting those bangers in my face, but can I trust them to set up a Direct Debit and bring me off?".

Fellow adult entertainment aficionado, Peter Stringfellow was being a smug arrogant tit as per usual, offering to let Branson dance at his clubs, and offering to take Branson's Virginity for him. We can only assume he means do him in the bum. Stringfellow found himself funny, everyone else thought the 67 year old Yorkshiremen was a shambles of a man.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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