Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): The Queen is said to be inconsolable at reports that a two week story moratorium at The Spoof will see her ignored in the world of satire headlines just when she most needs to keep up a high profile and hog the limelight.
"We've having to break it to her gently," the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon said today, "in case Wee Little Budgie-Face as we like to call her suddenly has a heart attack, or seizure, or both."
The news of the The Spoof's sabbatical fortnight will be leaked bit by bit starting with a broad hint this evening when Old Fatty Mountbatten returns from yet another totally pointless state trip to Foreign Parts.
"We hope this way her blood pressure won't suddenly go ballistic," Luce-Cannon continued.
"It's bad enough that the BBC's shamelss portrayal of her as the country's top benefit cheat begins on Monday night.
"That in itself could send her go over the top if viewers suddenly start laughing at her totally out of context.
"But it's the absence of weekly parodies on the satirical website The Spoof that we most fear.
"I mean to say, this could be really serious.
"She might well just drop dead from the dreaded I'm-Being-Royally-Ignored syndrome - that well known variant of Munchausen-by-Proxy as Professor Roy Meadow has himself put it.
"Not many people know about how she suffers from this condition which involves the exaggeration or fabrication of signs and symptoms of royalty merely to get some attention."
"And then I'd be out on my arse out of the cushiest sinecure in the entire country."